im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
