U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
