his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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