apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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