somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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