Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
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