FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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