HIV tests are more positive than that guy
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i will never coherently bang her
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
