This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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