eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
