You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
