After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize