Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
