There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
