So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
