Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
