if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
