Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
