You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I need water and some morals
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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