either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
