i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
