I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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