if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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