i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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