At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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