somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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