The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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