seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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