well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize
