I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Sext me about skeletons
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
