If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
