Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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