Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
