your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
