i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
