oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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