you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
