You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
