So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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