no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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