i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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