if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
