Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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