I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
How external is "for external use only"?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
