My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
