I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
