I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
