accomplished twins. life is a go
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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