So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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