so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
