On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
