I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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