I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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