and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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