Swine flu. Run for my life!
please come you make the beer taste better
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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