I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
