I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
