I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
