he puts the penis in happiness.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
