watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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