**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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