I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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