Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
