Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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